A Room with a Review: Raw 03/16/20
Get ready for the weirdest episode of Raw ever. And that includes the one where Triple H dressed as Kane and pretended to sex a corpse.
- The show starts with the commentary team in the ring. Jerry Lawler tells us twice within the span of a minute that it’s 3:16 Day and Stone Cold Steve Austin is here. Why isn’t Lawler social distancing? Forever?
- Edge comes out and plays a video package from his encounter with MVP and Randy Orton last week. After pontificating for a bit Edge challenges Orton to a Last Man Standing match. Whoever can watch the most episodes of Tim Allen’s garbage show wins.
- Just before the commercial break, Becky Lynch rolls up in a branded semi-truck. WWE is trying to remind us how hard they tried to make Becky the new Stone Cold last year.
- After the commercial break, WWE goes into full time-killing mode by playing THE ENTIRE MEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH! I’ll see you guys in 90 minutes.
- It is literally 10:00 pm. They finally make the announcement that WrestleMania will be held at the Performance Center instead of being postponed. I don’t even know, man. I get that they don’t want to cancel it, but why not postpone it? Is it even WrestleMania if there are no fans present?
- Next is the contract signing between AJ Styles and the Undertaker. Taker comes to the ring (in what looks to be American Badass gear) and flips the table. They decide that’s the best time to go to commercial.
- After the commercial, they explain that Undertaker was mad that there wasn’t a contract there to sign. Taker is stalking around the ring, ready for a fight. AJ’s music plays twice but he never comes out. The OC pops up on the Titantron and AJ says he has the contract in the back. Styles says that he’s going to put Taker in a nursing home at WrestleMania. AJ signs the contract and makes Gallows and Anderson deliver it. Just when it seems they’ll get away unharmed, the lights go out and the Undertaker is behind them when the lights come back on. He takes out both OC members and signs the contract.
- Next up is an actual wrestling match! It’s Rey Mysterio against Andrade w/ Zelina Vega, a match we’ve definitely never seen before. For some reason, Asuka is on commentary. She’s sitting next to Lawler, so maybe they’re trying to manufacture an excuse to get rid of him, praying he either gets handsy, racist, or both. Anyway, after squeezing in another commercial during the only wrestling match on this wrestling show, Rey Rey wins after a 619 and Dropping the Dime (so stupid).
- One more commercial and it’s time for The Man, Becky Lynch. She’s running down Shayna Baszler, who is watching in the back. This show is so weird. It makes me think of that South Park episode where they go from backyard wrestling to community theater monologues.
- Kayla Braxton is backstage with Kevin Owens. Seth Rollins has issued a challenge and KO says that he accepts, especially since WrestleMania will be at the PC. Owens considers it a home-field advantage.
- Time for Stone Cold Steve Austin on 3:16 Day. He still does his corner taunts, even though there isn’t a crowd. He declares 3/16 a national holiday and does a really bad segment with Byron Saxton that you know is going to end with Byron getting a stunner. That’s exactly what happens, but while Austin is chugging beers, Becky Lynch comes to the ring with a cooler full of beer. They toast and drink and give Byron one more stunner for the road.
So this is what wrestling is going to be for the foreseeable future. I’ll keep watching for now but I don’t know if I can handle half the show being PPV matches I’ve already seen.
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