A Room with a Review: Raw 12/30/19

The people of Hartford, CT get to experience the joy of a wrestling wedding, the one thing that is sacred and never interrupted during a show. Enjoy, if you dare!

• The final Raw of the decade starts off with Kevin Owens heading to the ring. Notably absent on commentary tonight is Samoa Joe. KO hits us with a recap package detailing the things that Rollins and AOP did last week, including putting Joe through the announce table and stomping Rey Mysterio on the stage. Owens blames their actions for Rey Rey losing the US title to Andrade at a house show last week. Rollins and AOP come out and Seth is rocking the single black glove, Blackjack Mulligan (and Bo Dallas) style. As Seth pontificates, KO tries to charge him, only to be cut off by AOP. They proceed to beat on Owens until Samoa Joe’s music hits and the place explodes. He takes out AOP and puts Rollins in the Coquina Clutch, but the numbers game is too much and AOP takes control again. KO comes in with a chair and starts handling things until security pulls them apart. KO does a front-flip off of the top rope to the outside, taking out AOP and the security guards, which leads to a commercial.

• Returning from commercial, Joe and Owens are discussing things in the locker room. Charly asks a question and Joe yells a lot. Security comes in to escort them out of the building and they go with surprisingly little effort. Gotta get home for New Year’s, I guess.

• Next is Aleister Black vs. Buddy Murphy in a “Hey, they had a great match at the PPV, let’s do it again” rematch. On a side note, with Samoa Joe returning to action, they really need someone else on commentary so Jerry “The King” Lawler doesn’t have to talk so much. King seems to think these guys are clones, though one is kind of doughy and covered in tattoos and the other is shorter and has a 12-pack. Honestly, we’re just lucky he said it with two white guys in the ring. A great match (surprise, surprise) that was won by Black after hitting two Black Masses.

• AOP is backstage yelling at each other in different languages. Security comes to escort them and Seth out of the building, but they volunteer to leave on their own. I’m beginning to think that people are just taking any opportunity to leave before the wedding angle.

• Speaking of which, Erick Rowan gets in Lana’s face because he and his mystery pet did not receive an invitation. Then he says that they don’t care, yells randomly, and we go to commercial.

• Erick Rowan vs. Kip Stevens. Poor Kip got the full brunt of Rowan’s wedding snub anger. The keeper of the cage won with an Iron Claw Slam.

• Lana is backstage applying stuff to her legs and talking to herself about everyone being obsessed with her. It’s still more character development than Rose Tico got in The Rise of Skywalker.

• Charlotte Flair comes out to officially declare herself for the Royal Rumble match and issue an open challenge. Nattie comes out just in time for the commercial break.

• Charlotte Flair vs. Natalya. We’ve seen it dozens of times, so they decided to send out R-Truth and the 24/7 Zoo Crew. Eric Young eats a big boot from Charlotte and Truth escapes through the crowd and into a commercial break.

• The women are still at it after the break. Nattie kicks out of a spear and Natural Selection. I’m not sure I remember anyone ever kicking out of that, but I’m sure Sasha must have at some point in their feud. Charlotte finally wins after the Figure-8, but it took a good minute for Nattie to tap. I’m not sure if they’re trying to build her up or make Charlotte look weaker than usual.

• Backstage, it’s Charly and The Man, Becky Lynch! Becky announces that she will meet Asuka at the Rumble. She says that being the Golden Child comes with golden handcuffs, but she finally got them to sign off on the match because her contract is up. I’m guessing Asuka wins and Becky goes crazy trying to get the title back, likely ending with some stipulation match at WrestleMania.

• Cut to Lashley in his sleeveless, shirtless tux. He’s staring in a mirror and smiling. It’s still more character development than Rose Tico got in The Rise of Skywalker.

• We come back to a Liv Morgan promo video. She says that one person told her to be herself, but that person has turned away from her. I’m still not sure what to think of this.

• The OC comes down to the ring and they show the stupid trophy that they won at Blood Money 2019 in Saudi Arabia. They throw to a promo package, showing their victories over the Viking Raiders. They get interrupted by the Street Profits, who are in their ring gear. They’re actually going to get to wrestle! Montez Ford busts out “California” by Phantom Planet and we have a match. Montez is a delight. AJ grabs Angelo Dawkins’s foot and the ref sends him to the back. A great tag match and Street Profits get the win after a Sky High from Dawkins and a frog splash from Ford. That’s right, they’ve gone full D-Lo Brown.

• Back from commercial and the Street Profits are still celebrating backstage and Dawkins gets vapor-locked while trying to explain the multiverse to Montez. Maybe the talent shouldn’t be forced to memorize complex physics theories that they are expected to recite after a tag match and a pre-match promo.

• Next is Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder vs. Drew McIntyre in a Handicapped match. The handicap is obviously that Ryder and Hawkins are still short a person in order to stand a chance. One Claymore kick and a Future Shock DDT later, McIntyre wins while pinning both of them. Sigh. At least they’re letting Drew show some personality.

• Brock Lesnar is going to appear on the first Raw of 2020. It’s a new year, so he’s gotta start earning those PTO days.

• Randy Orton’s music hits and the Viper hobbles to the ring on crutches. He injured his left knee at a house show last night in Hershey, PA. He had to be helped into the ring, so either he is legitimately hurt or he is committed to outdoing Mark Henry’s retirement angle. Randy says he doesn’t know how bad it is yet, but guarantees that somebody is going to get RKOed at WrestleMania. AJ Styles come out to taunt Orton and even offers up his neck with both hands behind his back. After being thoroughly convinced that Randy was injured, AJ gets too close and gets an RKO. Orton is apparently 100% and he was just having a classic Randy and AJ fun-around. 

• The new United States champion Andrade heads to the ring, accompanied by Zelina Vega. He’s dressed like I always pictured Fortunato and Montressor dressed in “The Cask of Amontillado” by Edgar Allan Poe. He’s facing Unnamed Local Talent and is preparing to DDT him on the exposed concrete outside the ring before being interrupted by Ricochet. The Man that Gravity Sometimes Disavows challenges Andrade and we go to commercial.

• As if by magic, the bell rings for this new match just as we come back from commercial. I feel like they are giving us this match as a pre-apology for the Lashley/Lana wedding that is happening later. Andrade gets the win after Zelina Vega interfered. King made sure to call her Andrade’s business partner, so I’m guessing he finally had a talking-to backstage about valets not always being romantic interests.

• It’s wedding time! The priest is not Slick and he’s not Eric Bischoff in old man makeup, so we’re off to a good start. They have chairs set up on the stage for guests, but there’s nobody sitting in them. Lashley and Lana come to the ring (without bridesmaids or groomsmen) and we go to commercial. 

• Back from commercial and I just noticed a Rusev-sized wedding cake in the ring. I really hope it’s a gift from Cactus Jack. Lana freaks out when the officiant mentions the pitter-patter of little feet. She tells him to stick to the script. The crowd chants “Rusev Day” until Lana yells at them, then proceeds to read the vows she wrote. Lana then has Bobby read the vows she wrote for him, which is a word for word repeat of hers. They are interrupted by Lana’s first husband, who might be the love child of Oscar de la Hoya and Enzo Amore. He eats a chokeslam from Lashley and the wedding is interrupted by Bobby’s first wife, whom he met in the military. Why do these people have microphones and backstage access? Lana slaps her off of the ring apron and turns her attention back to the wedding. Before they can finish, Liv Morgan comes to the ring wearing half of a suit jacket. I’m not sure if that’s part of her new gimmick or if she was inspired by Lashley’s look. Liv says her true love is in the ring and Bobby says it’s not him. Liv agrees and says that Lana is the love of her life! Lana beats the snot out of her and it finally looks like we are getting to the “I Do” part when Rusev finally pops out of the cake. He takes out Lashley and Liv shoves Lana into the cake.

• So two and a half hours of good story building gets thrown out the window by thirty minutes of hot garbage. Reports online said that neither Vince McMahon, Triple H,  nor Kevin Dunn was at the show, which makes sense, considering how much this smacks of Paul Heyman. Maybe they just wanted plausible deniability when the shit hit the fan regarding this show. What did you think of the wedding angle or the show in general? Let me know in the comment section below.

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