A Room with a Review: Raw 1/27/20

San Antonio is the home of Shawn Michaels and Monday Night Raw this week. I’m ready for the Alamo Basement Death Match between Pee Wee and Francis.

• It’s the Raw after the Royal Rumble and we have a new commentary team. Thank God, it’s Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton! Jerry Lawler is also there for some reason! Vic Joseph is great, but I think Tom Phillips (no relation) is the best and I like having Byron there to take up some of Lawler’s air.

• The show starts with the winner of the Men’s Royal Rumble match, Drew McIntyre. The Scottish Psychopath has gone a full 180 degrees and is now the biggest babyface on Raw. A “You deserve it” chant fills the arena in San Antonio and Drew asks someone to pinch him. He says that some might drag it out, but he’s making an announcement right now. Drew McIntyre wants to face Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania! He’s also ready to hand out some Claymores tonight and issues an open challenge to anyone in the back. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson head to the ring and both accept his challenge. Drew accepts and we get a two-on-one handicapped match. McIntyre nerfs The OC (what tag division issues?), hitting each with a Claymore kick and pinning both of them. Drew celebrates and throws both guys out of the ring, allowing Brock Lesnar to attack him from behind and hit McIntyre with an F5. Brock has officially appeared on every Raw in the month of January, so I think we’re clear of him until the week before WrestleMania.

• Next, we get a video package showing highlights of Edge at WrestleMania X-Seven (yes, they called it that instead of 17) and announce that Edge will be here tonight. Oh, did I mention that Edge returned at the Royal Rumble, nine years after his last match? Probably should have led with that.

• Rey Mysterio heads to the ring and Lawler says we’re in Rey’s home state of San Antonio. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around everything that’s wrong with that statement. It looks like he’s going to face MVP, who also returned last night. Seriously, did someone steal a TARDIS? MVP cosplayed as T’Challa at the Rumble and tonight he comes out with a big Punisher logo on his chest. Doesn’t he know that wearing Marvel gear is Rey’s gimmick (and Johnny Gargano’s, and Tegan Nox’s)?

• After a commercial break, a half-speed Rey Rey, who had been shaken up earlier in the match, manages to hit a 619 and West Coast Pop to secure the victory. That match looked like it was being performed in quicksand.

• Another commercial and it’s time for Aleister Black to awaken from his slumber and job out a local competitor in less than 30 seconds. He magically summons a microphone and explains to the WWE Universe that he is accountable for his own loss at the Rumble. He also says that he’s been doing things all wrong these past few months by waiting for someone to come knock on his door. Now, he’s going to bring the fight to the Raw locker room. I think he’s just tired of sharing that dark room with Sheamus.

• Next up are the Raw Tag Team Champions, Buddy Murphy and Seth Rollins. Someone must have said Monday Night Messiah the requisite number of times for him to appear. Rollins says that he may have been eliminated by eventual winner Drew McIntyre, but he was the one to eliminate Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens (editor’s note: with the help of AOP), so he’s feeling pretty good. He adds that Joe and KO have challenged them for the tag titles and that he and Murphy accept. The K Joe Show comes out and Owens says that Rollins is a jackass and really sucks now. He wonders if this is a trap. Rollins says that AOP isn’t hiding anywhere and even brings them up on the TitanTron to prove that they aren’t near the ring. KO thanks him for letting them know where AOP is and the Viking Raiders jump AOP in the locker room. Time for a title match, after the break!

• Samoa Joe gets the early advantage on Murphy and he and Owens do a great job keeping Buddy away from his corner. Rollins is finally able to sneak in a tag and he and Murphy double-team Samoa Joe. After Murphy gets tagged back in, Joe is able to regain the advantage in time for another commercial.

• Right before the break, Joe performed a suicide dive to the outside on Buddy Murphy, but he managed to faceplant after hitting Buddy. During the break, the medical staff forced Joe, who could barely stand, to the back. I hope Joe’s not really hurt, but I also hope they aren’t pulling the Willis Reed spot that the Usos did on SmackDown. The champs retain after Murphy schoolboys Owens for the pin. 

• Charly Caruso is backstage with The Man, Becky Lynch. Becky says she needs to slap her own head for doubting how good she is. She’s also ready for Charlotte if she is who the Royal Rumble winner wants to face.

• Next up is the United States Championship rematch between Humberto Carillo and Andrade w/ Zelina Vega, who is dressed like a sexy prayer candle. Carillo earned this title opportunity in the most WWE possible – by losing his title match the previous night. Andrade is really dominating this match early on. Carillo starts to get some offense, but it looks sloppy. Humberto hits a moonsault, but Vega breaks up the pin, meaning that Andrade loses by disqualification, but retains his US title. Carillo snaps and hits Andrade with the hammerlock DDT on exposed concrete, just like Andrade had done to him. That’s definitely the kind of thing a babyface should do.

• Now it’s time for Charlotte Flair to announce who she is going to challenge at WrestleMania. The safe money is on Becky Lynch, but I would love to see her choose Rhea Ripley. Charlotte says she’s actually still thinking about it and won’t be choosing tonight. The Kabuki Warriors come out and Asuka yells at Charlotte in Japanese. The Warriors jump Charlotte and knock her into a commercial break. I bet there’s no way this turns into a match.

• We return from the break with a match between Charlotte and Asuka. There’s a graphic card reminding us that Lana will be facing Liv Morgan tonight, likely in the main event (though I’m guessing Edge ends the show). They could be the final match on a night with two championship matches and a Charlotte/Asuka match. SMH. Anyway, we get another DQ finish, as Kairi hits the InSane Elbow on Charlotte while she has Asuka in the Figure 8. 

• Time for the Street Profits and their Raw Recap. Kelly Kelly shows up and Angelo Dawkins tries to impress her with an impressively bad list of pun nicknames. Dawk Vader? Really?

• Up next is a 24/7 Championship match. Mojo Rawley comes to the ring with NXT’s Riddick Moss. Both are former NFL players, so why not? Mojo successfully defends the title against No Way Jose, but a member of his conga line rolls up Mojo and wins the championship. He reveals himself to be R-Truth, but before he can escape, Moss and Mojo double-team Truth and Rawley regains the title.

• Now it’s time for the match we’ve all been waiting for, Lana vs Liv. I think Lana is trying to choke Liv out with her own extensions. Liv Morgan wins with a modified Flatliner. I really hope that’s the end of the feud. The farther we get away from that angle, the better. 

• It looks like the actual final match of the night is going to be Erick Rowan w/ mystery pet against a local sacrifice. Rowan wins with the Iron Claw slam. I’m just going to start copying and pasting at this point. 

• It’s time for Edge and the pop is massive. I still can’t believe he’s back. Edge says he worked his ass off at age 46 just so he could come back and end his career on his own terms. He says he doesn’t know how long this return will last, but he hopes everyone will join him for the ride. Edge’s former tag team partner Randy Orton heads to the ring and gives his friend a hug. He proposes that Rated RKO get back together one more time, before hitting Edge with an RKO. Orton gets a chair and hits Edge in the back hard enough to turn him into the grape stomping lady. Randy puts Edge’s head in the chair and climbs to the second rope and takes a full minute before deciding not to murder him. Orton leaves the ring to get another chair and he gives Edge a Conchairto! 

• Raw great, but there were some sloppy bits. I’m excited to see what Edge does going forward, assuming that Orton didn’t accidentally kill him. What are your thoughts on Edge’s return? Let me know in the comment section below.

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